Criticism, given and received, is insidious. It eats away at you, a little at first, more as time goes on, especially as you start to believe it, whether it is about yourself or someone else. It eats away at your self-esteem, your competency, even the quality of choices you make for yourself. Yes, it affects your performance in life and your thought processes. It goes that deeply. Your allover energy level is diminished even when it is you who is criticizing someone else. If you pay attention, you will feel this.
Criticism does no one any good. In fact, it's hard to say who sustains the most damage, the criticize-er, or the criticize-ee. Finding fault restricts the energy flow, and anything that has this effect is very unhealthy. Think of wearing underwear a few sizes too small. Uncomfortable. Not good for you.
Instead of expanding or having room to expand, both partners in a criticism exchange, that is, the giver and the recipient, are locked in a smaller box than when it started. The more you criticize, the smaller your box becomes. The more criticism you receive, unless you are resilient enough to withstand it, the smaller your box will become, too.
You have heard of the phrase, "cut him down to size." It's literally true, though obviously not on a physical level. And it's not a good thing to do, however tempting at times. What hurts you, hurts them, and vice-versa, whether it seems so, or not.
There is such a thing as constructive criticism. It has to be carefully and lovingly delivered, and its intent is to help, to really help. And therein lies the difference. "Constructive" criticism, delivered bluntly or insensitively, or in a way that publicly humiliates, is not constructive. It is a phrase misused to justify "cutting someone down to size," and its intent is far from constructive.
We also take issue with criticism given in the name of "honesty." This is not the virtue it pretends to be. All too often, it is just an excuse to say whatever pleases you at the moment with no thought for the feelings or wellbeing of the target. And we do mean target. The criticize-er is taking their pleasure at the expense of another, and they likely do feel more like a target than a well-loved friend. You need to look in your heart and weigh your motives honestly to tell the difference between your being an honest friend in the best sense, which is a wonderful thing, or pretending to be honest but really harming them.
We would like you to remember that the imperfections you perceive are not necessarily there. That is, they are not necessarily imperfections. And for the most part, they are none of your business. You might also take note of whether you were asked for your opinion before you offered it. And were they looking for reassurance or a genuine answer.
Note the difference. Q: Does this dress make me look fat? A1: You look great to me. A2: I think the other one was more flattering. A3:.Yes, your butt looks huge in that!
Their being, their life, their business. Your being, your life, your business. That really ought to be enough to keep you busy!
And even then, don't criticize yourself. This is doubly bad, for you endure both sides of the damage, and to make it worse, you did it to yourself. A litany of self-criticism can actually destroy your health, as well as making you miserable.
Keep in mind that you don't have the knowledge base necessary to judge, not even yourself. Maybe especially not yourself. You are too close to see it all. There is a lot more going on than you can know. The very thing that makes this place you live what it is, is the limits placed on your knowledge of the larger picture. Those are the rules of the game, and there are few exceptions. Don't fight it.
Criticism is immensely destructive. The effects ripple outward and onward, sometimes for generations. Our task here is not to tear down, but to build up and rebuild. Hold that thought and that ideal in your mind and your heart.
Find things to nurture and to cultivate. That's how to grow flowers instead of weeds. That is what we are doing here.
We love and bless you. (Duck, here comes the hoe!)
Namaste.
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