They did something, yes. You felt pain, yes. But in between these two occurrences is another step that you usually don't notice: It's where you choose how to interpret their action, and decide how you are going to respond. You see, you actually are an active participant in the process, in the occasion.
While it may feel comforting, in a strange way, to see yourself as the innocent victim, your participation in the incident made it what it was.
Now, we are not talking about true incidents of victimization, the ones where the innocent, helpless child is harmed by an adult, for example. Try to take this as we mean it, rather than searching for the exceptions. Life is varied, and we know it, but here we are talking about the more usual case, the adult to adult transactions where there is a option involved. In most of these interactions, you have a choice as to how you receive the insults, the "slings and arrows" that come your way.
We can see that we need to say more on this to make it clear. (Orea's note: In other words, they could see that I had no good understanding of what they were getting at!)
Let's say a four year old you know gets mad and calls you a "poopy head." How do you respond? Does it injure your feelings so much that you still suffer from it several years later? Of course not! You take it lightly, and perhaps smile to yourself, based on your estimation of the source from which the insult came, and any other relevant factors. It doesn't really hurt, and it's kind of cute, though you probably won't let the kid know it. You weighed the action almost instantly, and based your inner and outer responses on that choice. And you probably chose not to let it hurt you at all.
Now, suppose someone else, a friend or acquaintance, calls you an imbecile or an irresponsible jerk. Ouch! That hurt, didn't it. Why? Because, once again, you weighed it almost instantly and took offense where it was intended. Did you have to? No. You could have chosen another direction. You could have taken a moment to look behind the words or actions to try to fathom what was going on there, in the person, that made them act that way. You can't be sure of guessing right, but an attempt to understand will help you move beyond the sting and into a alternative response.
He or she said this because...they were worried about ______. Or, they think they need to defend _______. Or, they are insecure and need to cut down other people in order to feel more adequate.
And in that moment of reflection, you may find yourself able to put aside the pain response, and instead respond to the cause behind it, or merely say something gentle and disarming like, "I'm sorry you feel that way" or "How do you think I could do better next time?"
Do you see how this changes the energy of the exchange, the balance of power, and your memory of it? Because, it is the memories that are the basis of your continued anger and unforgiveness.
You can practice this in the present tense to avoid problems now and in the future. You can also use this in the past tense for the ones that still rankle. Look at why they said, or thought, or did what they did, and re-interpret their actions in that light in the best way that you can. Make an educated guess. You will find, if you do, that much of the anger and pain will simply melt away, and you nay even find yourself feeling compassion for the perpetrator and their own personal pain and misguidedness that made them act that way.
And that, my friends, is a form of healing, deep and permanent healing.
I love and bless you on this beautiful day. Every day is beautiful.
Who am I that is speaking to you now? Most of you would know my name as "Jesus." Surprise!
Orea's Note: I was so busy writing this as fast as I could to keep up, that I have no idea when Jesus arrived or if he was part of the group from the start. The last three lines, I know are his. It was truly a surprise, and a delightful one. I haven't had a chat with him or felt his energy like that in years.
I want to share Inanna Jones' comment on this, that she posted to Facebook.
ReplyDelete"To Forgive is not optional it is a vital part of healing yourself. Blessings ~ "
It's very difficult to forgive others for a host of reasons including pride and arrogance. I find it hard to take the first step toward forgiveness when I believe it's others who insulted me. That said I understand that holding grudges hurt everyone involved and often things aren't as believed
ReplyDeleteI'm trying to be more receptive of friends comments and not jump to conclusions but instead let the words soak in. Nice post!!
You know, David, I think Inanna hit the nail on the head with her comment. The more I think about it, the more deeply I realize that the anger I feel and the grudges I continue to hold are blocking my way to fuller healing. These spots are like flags indicating wounds that continue to fester. Getting past it is important for our wellbeing.
ReplyDeleteAnd I'm thinking, is anything they said or did so important that it is worth sacrificing my optimal self for? That's an awfully high price to pay for some insults or mistreatment by a misguided soul who maybe should have known better, but didn't. So I'm going to start looking at those things differently, realize how inconsequential they really are, and shake them off.
I've already let go of the one who told me to my face that i was "a disaster waiting to happen." Instead of feeling angry, I find I'm laughing about the ridiculousness of it instead. And you know, that feels a whole lot better.